Are you happy?

In recent weeks, I have questioned myself numerous times. Is this the life that I want? Am I truly happy? What will happen if I listen to my guts and start living life the way I honestly want to?

But if I do do that, what will happen to my current relationship, my family, my friends, my finances, my sense of security? I could jeopardise all that in trying to make myself happy. At what point, trying to be happy turns into selfishness? I could ruin everything I have now.

Usually this is where I stop thinking about this. Or when something nice happens and I start thinking this isn't so bad. I could live this life.

Things are always easier said than done. It is not in most people's nature to gamble what they already have for something that is not guaranteed.

Are you one of those people?

ANGER

Where has my anger gone?

IKHWAN

I have to go back :(

NOVEMBER

Dennis has recently managed to steal his mother's car but at least he had the decency to buy his own TomTom. Fortunately, his mother has two cars but unfortunately, they're both family cars.

Me: It's quite a big car.
Dennis: It's a family car.
Silence.

I have always known that I am an old person deep down and I'm perfectly happy with it. I don't have to do all the crazy things young people get up to. What I didn't know was that I was slowly infecting my boyfriend.

Sure, he dances like an old person and he loves old love songs but I'm not guilty for both. We are slowly turning into an old couple. Well, maybe a middle age kind of couple. He wants to see a financial advisor. We have to look after his brother during Christmas holidays. And we have outgrown McDonald's and BK (well, we were students just not very long ago).

Me: *sitting in the family car* You know, so many things have changed since we came to Blackpool.
Dennis: *clearly not listening* Do you think we will ever get in the backseat and... you know?
Me: Don't even think about it.

Maybe not so old.

OCTOBER

Passing MRCP Part 1 on the first attempt is freaking suuuweeeet ;)

Being in London for the weekend brings back that monster within me. I hate that the crowd just pisses me off. I can never go to central without wanting to kick someone's ass outta the fucking way. I honestly cannot remember why I could never imagine leaving London before.

Now, I just cannot imagine going back. I'm glad I left :)

ITCH

Sometimes, I close my eyes and argue with myself.

There are doors you should not open. There are desires you should not entertain. There are pasts you should not revisit. There are futures you should not fantasize.

There is that one thing you have never been sure of.

Me: Don't do it.
Me: But I want to!
Me: You're pathetic.
Me: Don't underestimate me. I am clever enough to justify the hell out of this!

Definitely an itch.

SEPTEMBER

Sometimes I ask myself whether this is the life I had imagined when I was a child. I remember writing lots of essays starting with 'When I grow up, I want to...' Somehow, practising medicine, living in Blackpool, being with a man-child, managing finances never made it to the essays but look where I am now.

Clearly I didn't have lots of imagination when I was young. C'mon, when I was watching Andy (from Toy Story 3) playing with his toys and imagining all sorts of action, I thought that boy was borderline delusional. They're just toys, they're not alive...

Anyway, how is your life?

AUGUST

When I was doing a medical oncall some time ago, I somehow managed to sneak to the doctors' mess to have a bit of a rest and woke up two SHOs sleeping there - one was Ortho, the other Paeds.

Fast forward, I am that sleeping Ortho SHO now. I should put a warning sign on the door.

'If you're entering the mess past 1 am, you're waking up the Orthopaedic SHO. Please be quiet.'

Yea, you guessed it right. I just finished my first set of night oncalls as the Ortho SHO. Let's see: Did I:

1. Manage to get the Ortho Registrar out of bed because I panicked about managing a patient's fracture? Check!

2. Admit a patient who does not actually need admission? Check!

3. Admit a patient who does not actually sustained a fracture? Freaking bloody check! (In my defence, I couldn't tuft him to medics)

Oy, it's going to be a long rotation.

JULY II

If you knew me back then, you would laugh at the idea of me getting married. I was one of the most cynical girl among my friends. The champion of all the we-don't-need-men girls. The one who would fatally headbutt the flower bouquet if it was heading in my direction; or chop it off midair with a freaking ninja sword. Or the crazy lady yelling at couples to 'get a room!'

The question is whether I have changed after years of relationship.

Dennis (looking very smug after changing the light bulb in the bathroom): Now you can stop going to the toilet with the flashlight! What would you do without me?
Me: Have less cleaning up to do round the house.
Dennis: Oh burn. (Silence) But you love cleaning up, don't you?
Me: Ha ha

I am not equating needing men with just needing someone to change lights around the house, of course.

I mean, they're good for taking the trash out as well.

If you take him away, maybe I'll find out whether I do need him. So far I can't really tell how much this relationship has changed me. I know we use each other in different ways but ultimately we want each other around.

JULY

I am fully registered.

I have finished my first year. My last day was yesterday and am now on annual leave until we start second year :) ahhh time to get fat!

BLACKPOOL

Samra, Morkos, Irina, Davide, Syed, Osama, Dennis, me and Ashima.

Eoghan's the perfect example of how some people can still win money at poker while walking around half drunk. I don't know how he does it.

Bijaya, Ashima, Bola and me.

Betsy, Toshie, me, Dennis, Annette, Eoghan, Mark, Will, Syed and Davide.

Me, Samra, Kartik, Irina, Eoghan, Syed and Davide.

I hate putting up photos because my age prevents me from doing stuffs like this. But it's 5 weeks to the end of the first year (yea, you bet I'm counting the days :) I love these people! This year would have been shit without them. And some of them are leaving (they suck) and they're making a mistake ;) but I support them anyway. 5 weeks and 2 days!