WAITING FOR A MAN

I was walking behind this young woman pushing a baby stroller. When we came to the stairs leading to the hospital, she stopped and I walked past her with not a single thought on my mind. At the top of the stairs, it only struck me. So I went back to her.

"Do you need help?" I asked. And we proceeded to haul the baby stroller up the stairs.

"Thank you. I was waiting for a man to help," she said, laughing embarrassedly.

Well, did you marry one?? was my immediate thought. But I said, "No problem." I think she would push me down the stairs if I did. But I pity her. If you need help, just say you need help. Don't say it's specifically from a man. How are you going to survive if you don't even sound tough enough?

Can't reach for something on a shelf? You need someone tall to help you. Can't open a bottle? You need a strong pair of hands to help you. I cannot go any slower than this.

No, I'm not a feminist. It's hard to be feminist when you grew up with 4 brothers. And I love all my brothers. I really do.

GOT CHANGE?

So I was coming out of lecture hall with a bunch of other people. And I saw this woman, poorly clad and obviously seeking help. Now, out of about 10 people there, she singled me out.

"Speak English?" she asked me.

"Yea, I do," I said. She held out a note. I took it. Scratchy handwriting + long note = I need to kick someone's ass.

Basically she wrote down her life story. She just came from Bosnia. Her mother is in a wheelchair and her brothers are sick. She can't get work. Therefore she has hardly anything to eat. Would I please donate her some money.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I don't have any money on me."

She looked at me. I thought I would see disappointment. But it was anger and frustration. "Just some change," she said.

"You don't understand. I don't have cash right now." She gave me a dirty look. Like she didn't trust I was telling the truth. "I'm... I'm sorry." I called out as she walked away.

Wow, I don't think a stranger ever hated me that much before.

Except the time I pissed off this lady at Harrod's.

I hope she finds help somewhere else. But I didn't deserve the dirty look she gave me for I haven't done anything wrong. I would so buy you some food in the right situation and place. I know I shouldn't be mad at her, she obviously has bigger problems, but I am upset. You don't easily forget the hateful look a stranger gave you.

Makes me feel like a tiny person.

CHANGES

I'm ready to make some changes in my life now. I think I owe it to myself to try harder and become a better person.

For my case study, I picked this man without knowing what I was getting myself into. I'm just not into reading patient's files before talking to them; ha! paid for that one. Anyway, this man has got to be the most depressing person in the ward.

But if I wasn't careful from now on, I would become him.

So I drew. Sometimes I wish happiness would buy me an iPod.

JANUARY 16TH

I turned 23 today. Yep, the earth has circled the sun one more time. Fabulous. And a little meaningless to me. So, do I take the time to reflect on my life so far? Not this year. I did it so much last year it ought to compensate for this one.

Instead I thought about all the things that scare me.

The biggest fear should be of fear itself. I'd like to meet the guy who first said this and kick him in the crotch for making people feel bad for fearing other things. I can accept it's all part of being human.

I'm scared of all the things that I know I have to do but won't be able to handle.

That and height.

Well, happy birthday to me. This year is going to kick last year's ass!

GPs

GPs are assholes!!

Don't you hate it when one person ruins everything for everyone else? I really really want to like GPs. I do. This consultant endocrinologist said he admired GPs very much. "They see patients, each time not knowing what to expect, and they have to immediately assess and plan what to do. I could never do that. I would always prefer to be prepared, and to know what I'm going up against."

I see his point. Yes, what they do is admirable. Damn admirable.

But one asshole is enough to ruin everything.

Excuse me, I need to go scream into my pillow.

SPEAKING OF BABIES

I once read about this guy who smothered a baby girl. Took a pillow, pressed it down hard on the baby's face. Cruel, isn't it? If only he stopped there.

He then took the baby by the legs and proceeded to bash it against the bed. And he said he felt so much better after that. The horror of it. For the first few seconds, I was speechless. And then I was blinded with rage. Go up against someone your own size, you douchebag!! They should inject him with a paralytic and beat the crap out of him with a baseball bat. See what it feels like to be helpless while someone beats you to death!!!

I know he's probably mentally ill but I hope he burns in Hell!!

BABIES

So people are making babies now huh. Hm, where have I been? I wonder what it would be like if I had a baby. No, I will not end up eating it. I'm not into exotic food. Babies are scary, DO NOT be fooled by their size! They know how to grind your last nerve and get to your head. They cry to get whatever they want and they love if you pay nonstop attention to them. And when you get annoyed, they get all cute and you forget why you're mad.

Kinda like women. But women are scarier. Women have evolved to learn to kick men in the crotch.

I think the cutest baby around should be Suri. Shoot me now. I just said the spawn of TomKat is the cutest thing around. Actually she is. She might be the only thing that can stir some life in my ovaries.

Wait.

False alarm.

But Suri sure is cute =)

HELP

People often get lost in a big hospital. You see people staring at colour-coded diagrams while holding a piece of paper in their hand, you know they're trying to figure out their way. It's the same with the young black woman pushing a baby stroller. It's so obvious she's trying to find her way.

The cleaner decided to help. "Can I help you, miss?" he said pleasantly and ever so politely. His eyes brimming with kindness.

"Why do you ask that?," the woman retorted. "Do I look like I need help??!"

His defence mechanism activated, the cleaner said, "I was just trying to help. You don't need to talk to me that way."

This is why I never offer my help. Bitches can be so nasty.

ME AND MYSELF

I talk to myself from time to time. Who doesn't? Sometimes, it beats the shit out of talking to other people.

Me: I'm hungry. What do we have to eat?
Me: Nothing good.
Me: Sainsbury's seems so far away.
Me: Damn right, sister!

Or,

Me: I feel like my life is going nowhere.
Me: You'll be fine.
Me: You think so?
Me: Yeah, trust me.
Me: You're swell.

It's hard not to love myself. I so get me.